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Jazzy

Firstly, let me tell you about our new system. We will each write separate blog posts on Thursdays, and one together on Saturday. So, it's Claire.

Now, down to business.

Now, I can't think of a good topic...so here's another list (I am becoming known for my lists, it's because they're easy to write).

TOP FIVE HILARIOUS THINGS MY 3 YEAR OLD SISTER, WHO FOR THE PURPOSE OF THIS POST I WILL CALL JAZZY, HAS DONE:

1. Try to teach her Barbies how to dance, and then scream at them for not moving ("NO, NO, THAT'S NOT RIIIIGHT!!")

2. Walked into my room, completely naked other than her new shoes, saying "TA-DAAAAA!!"

3. Dressed in a fairy costume, complete with a wand and and wreath...to the supermarket.

4. Tried to krump. Doesn't seem that funny....but I guess you had to be there, and see her randomly shaking her fists around her head helplessly, to find it hilarious.

5. When I told her about this post, paused and said "Claire, you have to wake me up!" and started to snore (still standing up, and with her eyes wide open).

Sorry this is short, but I had absolutely no good ideas for this post.

Gotta go and 'wake up' Jazzy!

Swan Song,

Claire xoxo

Title of an average post

So here I am, sitting on the couch, covered in banana smoothie (thanks to my own stupidity), wondering what to write here.

Then I was reminded by the lovely Claire, that school was back in less than a week. Now I don't have anything against school, don't get me wrong, but given the choice of either going back to school, or going on holidays and doing stupid things such as ballroom dancing in the middle of a road, the choice is obvious.

On the topic of holidays, here are a few things I did whilst on holidays in Tasmania:

-Went to a 16th birthday for a girl I didn't know

-Ball-roomed danced (not very well) in the middle of a road with my friend Freddy, until cars started honking their horns!

-Got attacked by two 7 year olds squirting water pistols at me

-Got lost in the middle of the city

-Spent over $100 on chocolate and hot chips in a week

-Made 89 friends

Sorry if this post sucked more than when you dive into a swimming pool and realise there is no water, but I'm tired (lame excuse, I know), and depressed about going back to school.

Swan Song,
Ellie xoxoxo

If Facebook shut down...

If you have every wanted to know, doing burn-outs on a tricycle, then falling off, hurts.

You would have to be half-dead not to know or have heard of the phenomenon of the social networking world that is Facebook. With over 250 million active Facebook users logged on, on any given day, it got me wondering, what would happen if Facebook shut down? Would the world shrivel up? Or would we just see dazed teenagers periodically banging their heads against brick walls?

I have compiled this list so you can get a glimpse of what life would be like if Facebook shut down.

IF FACEBOOK SHUT DOWN...

People would ring 500 of their 'friends' just to let them know that they are 'patting their puppy'

You would be harrased in shopping centres by people you hardly know, poking you

Credit cards would read 'Mr/Mrs/Miss Sarah Supermegahotbabyy Johnson'

As soon as you said something, random people would give you 'the thumbs up'

Every wall would be covered in random crap such as 'What's up, babe?' and
'ILY babe xoxoxo'

People would stalk you the old fashion way...

Everyone would have at least 8 siblings, 2 dads, 3 mums, and be married to someone of the same sex or widowed

You would walk past people having conversations similar to this one: "OMG your* saaaaaa hot!" "Thx babe xoxoxox but your the hot one here" "ILY"


Swan song,
Ellie xoxoxo

P.S. Hi everyone, Ellie here, I'm still in Tassie, but will be back with my beloved Claire on the 27th of Jan.

I do not have anything against Facebook, this post is purely for the enjoyment of our readers

*Yes, I know it should be 'You're' rather than 'Your', it's just to set the scean with the whole 'dumb, pretty, blond girl' thing

Awkward Silences

I am never quite sure how to fix an awkward silence.

FOR EXAMPLE

My Friend: Hey Claire, remember that time we accidentally went on the 'down' elevator when we wanted to go up*?
Me: Hahahaha, yeah.
My Friend: That was hilarious.
Me: But kinda embarrassing.
My Friend: Yeah.
*pause*
Me: *thinking* Oh crap, is she expecting me to say something? Crap, I think she is. But what am I supposed to say? Should I keep talking about that? But I can't think of anything to say about that. Ok...subject change. But what should I talk about. But I can't say, 'awkward silence', cos that'll make it really awkward. Should I wait for her to talk? *waits for about a second* Crap, she's not saying anything. I heard that a gay baby is born during every awkward silence. A gay baby's probably being born right this second. Damn, well now it's been to long, I've gotta say something. *out loud* Awkward silence.
My Friend: Dude...yoou just made it awkward.
My Inner Voice: Told ya so.

Sorry this post was so short, I'm just really tired and can't be stuffed thinking too much.

Swan Song,
Claire xoxo

*That actually happened to me and Ellie once.

Aliens and Human Stupidity

A lot of people say that if there was intelligent life on other planets, they would have tried to contact us. But I think that if they do exist, they smartest thing they've done is not contact us. The human race is incredibly stupid, and has never been more so.

A Few Reasons Why Humans are Stupid And Aliens Have The Right Idea By Keeping A Distance From Us

1. When we're in swimming at the beach, and it's starts raining, we run for cover, even though we're already wet.

2. We spend a large portion of our day/lives trying to impress people we don't even like.

3. We are putting clothes on dogs, and kids in leashes, and not the other way around.

4. Our social life is getting in the way of social networking, and not the other way around.

5. We put labels on bottles of sleeping pills reading "WARNING: MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS"

6. We spend heaps of money on things we don't need, and never use them again, and then complain how we have practically no money.

7. In spite of all of this, we think we are the most intelligent species.

8. Although we know they won't, we ask other humans to comment on this post and tell us another reason why they think humans are stupid (pretty please) Even thought very few people actually read this (with cherries on top).

Swan Song,

Claire xoxo

P.S. Ellie will be back on the 27th :) Until then, you're stuck with just me.

An Average Week

So, I was completely out ideas for this blog post (I'm not sure if it's the Summer holidays, or my utter lack of creativity). So, I sat and thought. Then I got bored of sitting and thinking and ended up googling a bunch of stuff. After adding various files to my mental library, such as 'Yo Mamma' jokes, easy ways to remember the difference between stalactites and stalagmites and how many Justin Bieber's I could take in a fight (20), I saw something that really confused me.

Yesterday was Thank God It's Monday Day.

First of all, it sounds completely ridculous today (Thank God It's Mon Day-day).

Second, what is there to celebrate about a Monday? When I was trying to think of reasons anyone anywhere would say, or even think, the words "Thank God it's Monday", I thought of how my average week usually goes, and thought I would make that the topic of my blog.

An Average Week in the Life of Me

Sunday

Wake up about 9. Go and grab some Milo, then are made by my parents to go to church. Then, for the rest of the day, do absolutely nothing.

All in all, a pretty good day.

Monday

Woken up at about 7. Go to take a shower, and am shocked by the freezing-ness of the water*. Eat breakfast even thought I'm not actually hungry, finish getting ready and go to school. Arrive a couple of minutes late, and have to walk to the office to get a late slip. Then find out that it wasn't even neccessary, because the teacher hadn't even called the roll yet. Have a terrible day full of learning boring things that I already know.

See, nothing goes right on Mondays.

Tuesday

Woken up at about 7 again. Get ready, and go to school for another dull day of learning. However, I am somehow able to function better on Tuesdays than on Mondays, making everything more bearable.

Wednesday
Woken up at about 7:20 because Mum slept in. Go to school, and am slightly more tired than usual because it's the middle of the week (notice how I avoided saying "hump day"). However, I enjoy school slightly more than usual because I realise Friday is getting closer.

Thursday

Woken up at about 7. Go to school more willingly than usual, because FRIDAY IS TOMORROW.The rest of the day is pretty much irrelevant, because FRIDAY IS TOMORROW.

Friday

Get up at 7 without having to be woken. Have a shower, get a really nice Milo, finish getting ready and go. Admittedly most of the day seems to go on forever, but last fifteen minutes or so of school makes it all worth while. The anticipation as the second hand slowly drags itself across the numbers of the clock is overwhelming. Get up when the bell finally rings, feeling amazing. Get told by the teacher that the bell doesn't dismiss us, they do. Are forced to sit down for another thirty seconds. Finally are released. Have a mini party, right there at school. It is now officially the weekend.

Saturday

Wake up at about 11 on the best day of the week. Somehow we can appreciate no school on a Saturday so much more than on a Sunday (maybe we take it for granted on Sundays, I don't know).

But you see my point, Mondays pretty much suck. Even on holidays/vacation, on Mondays all your friends seem to be busy, leaving you alone to be bored.

I realise that this post has been very whiny and "Bella Swan"** of me, but I'm just trying to express my utter loathing for that particular day of the week.

So, thanks for reading and don't forgot to follow us.

Oh, and Happy Thank God It's Monday Day for yesterday :)

Swan Song,

Claire xoxo

*Even the water hates Mondays.

**I don't mean to offend any fangirls. I love Twilight myself, I just think Bella is such a boring, whiny character.

Happy New Year (Sorry if this Post Sucks)

Hey guys, sorry we haven't made a new post in a while. The reason is because here it is Summer holidays/vacation and we've both been interstate. Today, its just going to be me, Claire, writing because Ellie is still in Tasmania.

Now, I pretty much thought of the topic for this blog on the spot, so bear with me if it's terrible. I'm still tired because of the time difference between here (Melbourne) and Perth.

So, here it is:

21 THINGS I DID LAST YEAR


1. Stayed in my pyjamas for a whole day, just because I felt like it
2. Started dancing when I was home alone, then realised I was on video chat to someone on Skype
3. Correctly guessed who the murderer was in a murder-mystery novel, but got the motive wrong
4. Got yelled at by an old man for throwing a shoe at a seagull
5. Secretly watched my 2 year old sister's Sesame Street DVD when I was home alone
6. Fell in love...with a guinea pig
7. Fell up stairs
8. Went to the beach, and yelled out a Harry Potter spell every time I jumped over a big wave
9. Moonwalked on the sand
10. Acted as a part of the Eiffel Tower in a school play
11. Tricked a girl I knew into believing that me and another girl were being kidnapped.
12. Along with Holly and her brother Andy, I tried to convince Ellie that someone had been murdered by writing 'MURDER' on the mirror and pouring tomato sauce in the sink.
13. Crumped/krumped* with my Uncle. While he was dressed in a grey wig and an 80's costume.
14. Acted as a slutty bogan in a play. A play Ellie and I wrote for school. For a Science Project
15. Went to the beach with Jamie, and wrote 'MURDER' on the sand, then worried that someone saw and was going to yell at us**, so then wrote 'LOL JKS' underneath it
16. Screamed with excitment that Darren Criss (from A Very Potter Musical) was going to be on Glee
17. Saw a scary-looking person on the street, and ran away screaming for help
18. Was forced to play the toy monkeys in my brother's recreation of the beginning scene of Toy Story 3 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VKA2xaqSTVc). And enjoyed it
19. Dreamed a very naughty dream...I was stealing a biscuit from the biscuit jar. Oh yeah, and I was Superman.
20. Went to the dark side because they have cookies.
21. Made a blog with a friend, and got 5 followers. Only 3 of which we know. And honestly, 2 followers who we didn't know was much more than we ever expected. I strongly suspect that my Mum made two Google accounts without telling me

You might be wondering why I stopped at 21. Well, you can decide between the following reasons:
(a) I couldn't think of any more
(b) I could but couldn't be bothered
(c) I secretly work for the NSA
(d) One of my favourite songs was on the radio and I went to dance to it, then when I got back I was even more tired than I already was
(e) Darth Vader
(f) I wanted to use the word Darth Vader in my post and couldn't figure out how, and then I decided on writing this bit.
(g) All of the above
(h) None of the above
(i) One of the below
(j) Pirates

This post isn't very good, I know. Whatever. You try writing one of these when you're tired. Also, it was kinda similar to the first one, but as I think we mentioned in another post we're both very unoriginal. And I know this post was written in 1st tense while the other two were in 3rd tense, but when only one person is writing it makes it easier.

On the unlikely chance that people are actually going to read this, I'm going to ask you to leave a comment and tell me what your greatest accomplishment last year was.

Hope you all had happy holidays, and that you're all well. And by all, I mean the 5-7 people that read these.

Swan Song,

Claire xoxo

*In case anyone don't know what crumping/krumping is, it's a dance where you put your fists together, elbows out to the side, and start moving your hands towards and away from your chest. I'm aware that isn't what crumping/krumping actually means, but that's what we call this dance at our school.

**Yes, we're paranoid

The Science Of Old People

The other day, we were talking to one of our friends. She was describing an old lady that she'd met. Claire asked, "What type of old person?" And the weird thing was, our friend knew exactly what we were talking about. There are very distinct categories of old people, and they are as follows:

1. The Nice Old People (nicecus ancientus)

We all know these people. Yes, they're old. Yes, they wear terrible clothes and have no clue how to work technology, but you can't help but love these people. They say hello, invite you over for lemonade and biscuits and best of all, they let you pet their cat. They're are often found in churches singing loudly in the pew behind you or down at the shops buying presents for their grandchildren.

2. The Mean Old People  (angrius ancientus)

"Get off my lawn!" These kind of people should not be approached, as they will not hesitate to hit you with their walking stick or smack you with their purse. 

TRUE STORY: Last year, on Halloween we were trick-or-treating with our friends, Jamie and Holly*, and we went up to an old man's house, and knocked on our door. No one answered, but, as we prepared to leave, a car pulled up and the old man got out. "Trick or treat," we said, smiling a little at the awkwardness. But the old man didn't seem to find anything funny about the situation. "Please go away girls!" He snapped, not bothering to give us an explanation of why he didn't want us there.

A year later, he died.

3. The Demented Old People (insanus ancientus)

These old people are sadly the most common. We've all seen them, usually at nursing homes, but occasionally you'll see one in the wild. 

TRUE STORY: Ellie's grandad once introduced his wife to a nurse at his nursing home. There's nothing strange about this, except for the fact that he referred to her as 'his ugly friend'!

4. Old People in Denial (denialus ancientus)

These old people refuse to admit that they are, in fact, old people. They are usually fitness fanatics and try to listen to 'modern music', but fail. There aren't as many of these as the other types, but they certainly exist. 

EXAMPLE: "I rock my chair back and forth, I rock my chair back and forth, I rock my chair back and forth!'

5. The Lonely Old People (hermitus ancientus)

These people live alone. It's not so much that no one wants to talk to them, as the fact that they don't want to talk to anyone. They can easily be confused with the 'angrius ancientus', but usually they just prefer a solitary life, or, as Jason Derulo would say, ridin' solo.

EXAMPLE: The crazy cat lady from The Simpsons.

Swan Song,

Claire and Ellie xoxo

*Note that all names here are changed

We would like to dedicate this post to the mean old man who yelled at us. R.I.P.

Clichéd Introduction

Well, somehow you've discovered our blog. Welcome. Basically, the way things work here are:

-We attempt to get followers by making promises that we never deliver. By the time readers figure that out, it'll be far too late...on a completely unrelated note, if you follow us, we'll send marshmallows to your home address, no strings attached
-We are going by the names Claire and Ellie on this blog. This is 0.5% to stop us from getting raped, and 99.5% because fake names are friggin' awesome
-In case our parents ever get hold of the URL to this blog, we won't swear :)

So, we are completely unoriginal and were unable to think of a what to write. However, a lot of first posts seem to be a sort of 'About Me' thing. So, here are 50 facts, 25 about Claire, 24 about Ellie and one about Cuthbert.

Facts about Claire:
1. Claire is aged between 7 and 112 (just a note, the age we put in on this thing isn't real. That's how hardcore rebellious we are)
2. She tends to swear a lot for seemingly no reason at all, particularly at cartoon characters
3. She even has a nickname. It's 'that loser that follows us around even though no one likes her'
4. But she's totally popular. In fact, the cool kids are so jealous of her, they don't even invite her to their parties
5. She has a goldfish murdering father. TRUE STORY: he cleaned out the tank, within an hour the13 fish were dead
6. But then again, she doesn't really care about her fish anyway
7. She gives her guinea pigs vitamin drops
8. She's so cool-her mum says so
9. She can touch type, but prefers not too
10. She's scared of any emo-looking boy, and tends to run screaming in the opposite direction
11. She's never actually seen Mummy kissing Santa Clause, not even under the mistletoe
12. She re-enacts musicals. In her pyjamas. When the rest of her family is asleep. And no one shall ever know...except our readers, but she doubts we'll ever get any, so...
13. She's running out of facts
14. That's probably because she's boring
15. She likes purple
16. Especially purple socks
17. Especially especially on her ears
18. Or nose
19. She once shouted 'expelliarmus' at a stranger
20. He then walked quickly away
21. He clearly wasn't a Potter Head
22. That last fact wasn't really about her
23. She enjoys swearing loudly at seagulls
24. And throwing shoes at them
25. She doesn't like it when people end their stories with 'THE END'. They don't write 'THE BEGINNING' or 'THE MIDDLE' so why 'THE END'?

Facts about Ellie:
1. She has a t-shirt with a cape on the back. Yeah, she's awesome like that
2. She's saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa indie
3. That last fact was a joke
4. She can't stand when a word has an asterisk next to it, BUT YOU CAN'T FIND THE OTHER FRIGGIN' ASTERISK!!!!
5. She has a guinea pig. Who she loves. But is terrified of
6. She doesn't find it necessary to give her guinea pig vitamin drops
7. Cat food is only for cats. She learned the hard way
8. She once made Claire eat an oyster in a Disaster Chef game
9. But she's not all mean. She offered Claire some cheese to neutralise it
10. She can say all 50 states of America
11. And their capitals
12. She considers that ability to be of great importance
13. Never mind that she isn't America
14. Or even been there
15. She can stuff her whole fist inside her mouth
16. She considers that to be a sign of great intelligence
17. She has many a time fallen for the 'Did you know that if your hand is as big as your face you have cancer?' trick
18. She's dangerous. She once knocked her dad unconcious
19. When she was three
20. While she was taking a dump
21.She has a fluro green singlet top
22. Thank God, only 3 more facts to go (including this one), she's having a hard time thinking of any more
23. Team Charlie's moustache all the way
24. THE END (just to piss off Claire)

Fact about Cuthbert:
1. Cuthbert may just be a slightly evil-looking clay statue of a money, made by some random at our school, but he is now a valued and respected member of Ellie's family. He was part of a whole lot of unloved and unwanted clay sculptures made by Year 8's. While Claire chose to take home a statue of an emo*, Ellie chose Cuthbert the monkey/ape, and has never looked back.

On that slightly awkward note, it's time to wrap this up (sorry for the corny choice of words).
Where we are, it's summer holidays (SUCKER!!!Unless you are too...)and Ellie's dad has just made us each a strawberry smoothie!



Swan Song**,

Claire and Ellie xoxo



*Yes, we know we said she is scared of emos, but if you are going to read our blog, you gotta get used to inconsistency***

**We looked up 'Goodbye' in the thesaurus, and this was our favourite***

***After expressing our annoyance at not being able to find the second asterisk, we made sure we remembered to type these ones at the bottom by drawing a giant asterisk on a sheet of paper. Just sharing