The Science Of Old People

The other day, we were talking to one of our friends. She was describing an old lady that she'd met. Claire asked, "What type of old person?" And the weird thing was, our friend knew exactly what we were talking about. There are very distinct categories of old people, and they are as follows:

1. The Nice Old People (nicecus ancientus)

We all know these people. Yes, they're old. Yes, they wear terrible clothes and have no clue how to work technology, but you can't help but love these people. They say hello, invite you over for lemonade and biscuits and best of all, they let you pet their cat. They're are often found in churches singing loudly in the pew behind you or down at the shops buying presents for their grandchildren.

2. The Mean Old People  (angrius ancientus)

"Get off my lawn!" These kind of people should not be approached, as they will not hesitate to hit you with their walking stick or smack you with their purse. 

TRUE STORY: Last year, on Halloween we were trick-or-treating with our friends, Jamie and Holly*, and we went up to an old man's house, and knocked on our door. No one answered, but, as we prepared to leave, a car pulled up and the old man got out. "Trick or treat," we said, smiling a little at the awkwardness. But the old man didn't seem to find anything funny about the situation. "Please go away girls!" He snapped, not bothering to give us an explanation of why he didn't want us there.

A year later, he died.

3. The Demented Old People (insanus ancientus)

These old people are sadly the most common. We've all seen them, usually at nursing homes, but occasionally you'll see one in the wild. 

TRUE STORY: Ellie's grandad once introduced his wife to a nurse at his nursing home. There's nothing strange about this, except for the fact that he referred to her as 'his ugly friend'!

4. Old People in Denial (denialus ancientus)

These old people refuse to admit that they are, in fact, old people. They are usually fitness fanatics and try to listen to 'modern music', but fail. There aren't as many of these as the other types, but they certainly exist. 

EXAMPLE: "I rock my chair back and forth, I rock my chair back and forth, I rock my chair back and forth!'

5. The Lonely Old People (hermitus ancientus)

These people live alone. It's not so much that no one wants to talk to them, as the fact that they don't want to talk to anyone. They can easily be confused with the 'angrius ancientus', but usually they just prefer a solitary life, or, as Jason Derulo would say, ridin' solo.

EXAMPLE: The crazy cat lady from The Simpsons.

Swan Song,

Claire and Ellie xoxo

*Note that all names here are changed

We would like to dedicate this post to the mean old man who yelled at us. R.I.P.