The Science Of Old People

The other day, we were talking to one of our friends. She was describing an old lady that she'd met. Claire asked, "What type of old person?" And the weird thing was, our friend knew exactly what we were talking about. There are very distinct categories of old people, and they are as follows:

1. The Nice Old People (nicecus ancientus)

We all know these people. Yes, they're old. Yes, they wear terrible clothes and have no clue how to work technology, but you can't help but love these people. They say hello, invite you over for lemonade and biscuits and best of all, they let you pet their cat. They're are often found in churches singing loudly in the pew behind you or down at the shops buying presents for their grandchildren.

2. The Mean Old People  (angrius ancientus)

"Get off my lawn!" These kind of people should not be approached, as they will not hesitate to hit you with their walking stick or smack you with their purse. 

TRUE STORY: Last year, on Halloween we were trick-or-treating with our friends, Jamie and Holly*, and we went up to an old man's house, and knocked on our door. No one answered, but, as we prepared to leave, a car pulled up and the old man got out. "Trick or treat," we said, smiling a little at the awkwardness. But the old man didn't seem to find anything funny about the situation. "Please go away girls!" He snapped, not bothering to give us an explanation of why he didn't want us there.

A year later, he died.

3. The Demented Old People (insanus ancientus)

These old people are sadly the most common. We've all seen them, usually at nursing homes, but occasionally you'll see one in the wild. 

TRUE STORY: Ellie's grandad once introduced his wife to a nurse at his nursing home. There's nothing strange about this, except for the fact that he referred to her as 'his ugly friend'!

4. Old People in Denial (denialus ancientus)

These old people refuse to admit that they are, in fact, old people. They are usually fitness fanatics and try to listen to 'modern music', but fail. There aren't as many of these as the other types, but they certainly exist. 

EXAMPLE: "I rock my chair back and forth, I rock my chair back and forth, I rock my chair back and forth!'

5. The Lonely Old People (hermitus ancientus)

These people live alone. It's not so much that no one wants to talk to them, as the fact that they don't want to talk to anyone. They can easily be confused with the 'angrius ancientus', but usually they just prefer a solitary life, or, as Jason Derulo would say, ridin' solo.

EXAMPLE: The crazy cat lady from The Simpsons.

Swan Song,

Claire and Ellie xoxo

*Note that all names here are changed

We would like to dedicate this post to the mean old man who yelled at us. R.I.P.

Clichéd Introduction

Well, somehow you've discovered our blog. Welcome. Basically, the way things work here are:

-We attempt to get followers by making promises that we never deliver. By the time readers figure that out, it'll be far too late...on a completely unrelated note, if you follow us, we'll send marshmallows to your home address, no strings attached
-We are going by the names Claire and Ellie on this blog. This is 0.5% to stop us from getting raped, and 99.5% because fake names are friggin' awesome
-In case our parents ever get hold of the URL to this blog, we won't swear :)

So, we are completely unoriginal and were unable to think of a what to write. However, a lot of first posts seem to be a sort of 'About Me' thing. So, here are 50 facts, 25 about Claire, 24 about Ellie and one about Cuthbert.

Facts about Claire:
1. Claire is aged between 7 and 112 (just a note, the age we put in on this thing isn't real. That's how hardcore rebellious we are)
2. She tends to swear a lot for seemingly no reason at all, particularly at cartoon characters
3. She even has a nickname. It's 'that loser that follows us around even though no one likes her'
4. But she's totally popular. In fact, the cool kids are so jealous of her, they don't even invite her to their parties
5. She has a goldfish murdering father. TRUE STORY: he cleaned out the tank, within an hour the13 fish were dead
6. But then again, she doesn't really care about her fish anyway
7. She gives her guinea pigs vitamin drops
8. She's so cool-her mum says so
9. She can touch type, but prefers not too
10. She's scared of any emo-looking boy, and tends to run screaming in the opposite direction
11. She's never actually seen Mummy kissing Santa Clause, not even under the mistletoe
12. She re-enacts musicals. In her pyjamas. When the rest of her family is asleep. And no one shall ever know...except our readers, but she doubts we'll ever get any, so...
13. She's running out of facts
14. That's probably because she's boring
15. She likes purple
16. Especially purple socks
17. Especially especially on her ears
18. Or nose
19. She once shouted 'expelliarmus' at a stranger
20. He then walked quickly away
21. He clearly wasn't a Potter Head
22. That last fact wasn't really about her
23. She enjoys swearing loudly at seagulls
24. And throwing shoes at them
25. She doesn't like it when people end their stories with 'THE END'. They don't write 'THE BEGINNING' or 'THE MIDDLE' so why 'THE END'?

Facts about Ellie:
1. She has a t-shirt with a cape on the back. Yeah, she's awesome like that
2. She's saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa indie
3. That last fact was a joke
4. She can't stand when a word has an asterisk next to it, BUT YOU CAN'T FIND THE OTHER FRIGGIN' ASTERISK!!!!
5. She has a guinea pig. Who she loves. But is terrified of
6. She doesn't find it necessary to give her guinea pig vitamin drops
7. Cat food is only for cats. She learned the hard way
8. She once made Claire eat an oyster in a Disaster Chef game
9. But she's not all mean. She offered Claire some cheese to neutralise it
10. She can say all 50 states of America
11. And their capitals
12. She considers that ability to be of great importance
13. Never mind that she isn't America
14. Or even been there
15. She can stuff her whole fist inside her mouth
16. She considers that to be a sign of great intelligence
17. She has many a time fallen for the 'Did you know that if your hand is as big as your face you have cancer?' trick
18. She's dangerous. She once knocked her dad unconcious
19. When she was three
20. While she was taking a dump
21.She has a fluro green singlet top
22. Thank God, only 3 more facts to go (including this one), she's having a hard time thinking of any more
23. Team Charlie's moustache all the way
24. THE END (just to piss off Claire)

Fact about Cuthbert:
1. Cuthbert may just be a slightly evil-looking clay statue of a money, made by some random at our school, but he is now a valued and respected member of Ellie's family. He was part of a whole lot of unloved and unwanted clay sculptures made by Year 8's. While Claire chose to take home a statue of an emo*, Ellie chose Cuthbert the monkey/ape, and has never looked back.

On that slightly awkward note, it's time to wrap this up (sorry for the corny choice of words).
Where we are, it's summer holidays (SUCKER!!!Unless you are too...)and Ellie's dad has just made us each a strawberry smoothie!



Swan Song**,

Claire and Ellie xoxo



*Yes, we know we said she is scared of emos, but if you are going to read our blog, you gotta get used to inconsistency***

**We looked up 'Goodbye' in the thesaurus, and this was our favourite***

***After expressing our annoyance at not being able to find the second asterisk, we made sure we remembered to type these ones at the bottom by drawing a giant asterisk on a sheet of paper. Just sharing